‘Never reply to a group invitation on Facebook – where everybody can see that you are coming. You must leave people guessing’
I used to go to a nightclub where a girl turned up most weeks with a glitterball on her head – worn like an enormous hat. Everybody would stare at her – but she never stared back. Once I found her in the toilets having a bit of a breather – with the disco ball in her hands and sweat running through her hair – because the metal had got so hot under the lights. Being cool can be hard work.
But for those not inclined to party helmets – how can one become cool? Are there any guidelines for normal people who would love to be that bit more ineffable? It’s a tough one – because coolness is the equation that never shows its workings – the magic that ceases to exist if you talk about it.
Luckily – I have spent years observing cool people. Here is my guide to joining them.
One: never reply to a group invitation on Facebook – where everybody can see that you are coming. You must leave people guessing. If you have made the mistake of responding in the affirmative to an invite before reading this – then it is very important you do not go. That way at least you have still behaved mysteriously and left people confused as to your intentions.
Of course if you were really cool you wouldn’t be on social media at all: you would simply appear at parties from time to time and hand out business cards, like Malcolm McLaren. These cards just said ‘Malcolm McLaren’. Nothing else.
Two: when in public and standing alone – looking at your phone is not cool – as it reveals that you have emotional or professional needs. Looking straight into the distance will make you seem more unique: if nobody is talking to you – you must find a way to make it look as if it is you who is talking to nobody.
Three: I have interviewed a number of Brooklyn bands at the apex of their coolness – trying to find the humanity beneath their veneer of people whose parents have spent so much money on their education that nothing is funny any more. Sorry – I mean – beneath the veneer of post-rock rebels with tortured hearts. Very occasionally these musicians will let you know that you have said something funny. They do not do this by laughing. They do this by waiting until you have finished and then saying, with an entirely straight face ‘That is funny’.
‘Never reply to a group invitation on Facebook – where everybody can see that you are coming. You must leave people guessing’