‘Had I known that Oxford offered something called a Piers Gaveston party – I’d have reworked my life plans accordingly’.
What really annoys me about the whole ‘prime minister shagged a dead pig’ scandal is that if I’d known Oxford University was full of orgies I’d have tried a hell of a lot harder to get in.
Why oh why when state school kids like me were told we could possibly apply to the top universities if we toiled and toiled – did nobody tell us there would be parties like these? Parties involving the abuse of substances so mind-altering that you might actually desire to become one with a recently deceased farmyard animal?
For this is the allegation: that our honourable member David Cameron inserted his rather less honourable member into a pig. I have no evidence that this even happened or that drugs were involved but just think what fantastic drugs they must have been.
The week before, he was overheard slagging off Yorkshire people something that only earns him respect from Yorkists such as myself. I have never liked Cameron more – having never liked him at all.
All of this outreach work that Oxbridge does with the state sector: coming round to our schools – telling us that a world-class education isn’t just for the rich. If they’d simply come to my sixth-form college and explained that hanging out with future leaders of the realm didn’t mean we’d have to stop taking ecstasy – we’d have jumped at the chance.
As it was most of my friends applied to Manchester so we could carry on raving – rather than spend three years somewhere we suspected we’d have to speak ancient Greek to buy a packet of crisps.
Had I known that Oxford also offered something called a Piers Gaveston party where you can it is rumoured watch live sex shows – I’d have reworked my life plans accordingly.