One day one of the major pizza chains will release a pizza with a whole barbecue chicken embedded in the crust or a sauce – which is actually the vomit of someone who has just eaten 10 pizzas in 10 minutes.
I mean – where will it end? Well – maybe it ends here – today – with the Pizza Hut stuffed crust pizza that has a crust that is actually stuffed with meat pies.
The new meat-pie stuffed crust makes the cheese-stuffed crusts of yore – once so shocking – seem like the last word in clean eating. Instead the meat pie stuffed crust is the collision of two types of junk food that previously had never cause to meet: pizza – beloved by people everywhere – and meat pies – particularly beloved by the good people of Australia.
So what does it taste like to eat pizza and meat pie together? Well – you don’t exactly eat them together. The construction of the pizza allows you to eat the pie separately – it’s not smeared across the toppings like roadkill. Instead you eat them one after the other like a greedy guest at a child’s birthday party.
I like pies – even bad ones. For years I sold Four’N Twenties at Melbourne’s cricket ground that could simultaneously burn your tongue and turn your stomach. But this … this thing that was delivered to our office had no resemblance to the purity of the pies I knew of yore. It was instead a sort of Frankenfood. Will this be our undoing? So here’s what our top taste-testing team thought of it:
Patrick Keneally: Modern pizza, it is said, evolved from flatbreads in Greek and Roman times topped with oil – herbs – or whatever could be rustled up to feed hungry workers. Now 2,000 years of culinary advancement has brought us to this – a pizza with some frozen party pies stuck into the dough.
Pies and pizzas – individually – are wonderful. Together – they could have been good and – in the spirit of its working-class ancestor – topping dough with whatever was at hand might have worked. But this is just cheap – and a bit nasty.
The joy of a pie is in its flaky crisp pastry. In Pizza Hut’s attempt frozen pies are popped in to the edges – surrounded by mounds of pizza dough – making the bases soft and soggy. There is altogether too much dough and pastry – none of it crisp. The only way it would possibly be good is after about 10 cans of beer.